


Phantoms

by DottyDevine



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Gen, M/M, Mild Smut, Minor Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides, One-Sided Attraction, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, implied past Magnus/Taako, post Petals to the metla, pre stolen-century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 11:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12530172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DottyDevine/pseuds/DottyDevine
Summary: Taako’s not good with feelings.It’s not that he doesn’t have them - that would be absurd. He definitely has them - oh boy, does he have them. He’s got so many feelings sometimes Taako’s not sure what to do with them.





	Phantoms

Taako’s not good with feelings.

It’s not that he doesn’t have them - that would be absurd. He definitely has them - oh boy, does he have them. He’s got so many feelings sometimes Taako’s not sure what to do with them.

So he ignores them, most days. He locks them away, deep inside himself where he can continue to stubbornly ignore their existence, pretend they aren’t there - so he can just chill.

If there’s one thing Taako does well, it’s chill.

But behind the relaxed facade, Taako definitely possesses feelings.

And despite his best efforts to keep them in check, sometimes the sneaky bastards get the best of him and before he knows it, they’re controlling him.

And that’s a big ‘No, no’ in Taako’s book. No one controls Taako, baby - Taako’s a free agent.

But then there are the rare times anyway - the times where Taako can’t quite _ignore_ them at least. The times where he feels himself being pulled under their sway - times like tonight.

He hadn’t really intended to get drunk exactly. Well, he hadn’t intended to get _shit-faced_ , let’s put it that way.

But the thing about Taako is, when he decides to do something - no matter what it is - he goes all out. So on some level, it’s not too surprising that he’d opened a bottle of wine with the original goal of simply numbing himself - just enough that he couldn’t feel the dull ache in his chest that just wouldn’t go away - and had instead ended up with 5 empty wine bottles littered around him on the sofa in he and the guys’ private Suite, a growing sense of incoherence creeping over him and a still stubbornly intact pain that just wouldn’t. Fucking. _Leave_. For fuck’s sake.

Despite the pleasant warmth now worming its way through his body - because you better believe, even with his innately high tolerance for good alcohol (bless good Elf genes), 5 and a half bottles of wine was going to make him feel at least _something_ \- it’s now mingling in with that alien sadness still persistently growing inside of the pit of his stomach, mixing together into a swirling miasma of numbing pain, self-loathing and a feeling Taako has aptly dubbed “his inability to give a fuck”.

He’s trying not to think about it - trying to let the alcohol wash over him and do it’s damn job - namely, making him forget all about all this nonsense. But no matter how enticing the fuzzy sensation expanding inside his brain, he just can’t push the images from his mind. Hurley - giving that bright, sad smile before she’d leapt into the Silver-tip vines. Sloane - holding a nearly lifeless Hurley in her arms, a pained, bereft expression on her face and an ache in her eyes so deep Taako had momentarily been afraid he’d be swallowed by it. Thick clouds of Cherry Blossoms - swirling in the air around them as their vision had cleared enough for them to see the two figures entwined in the roots of the tree in front of them, locked in an eternal embrace that _should_ have been the first of many and not the last.

No matter how much wine he’s imbibed, he just can’t shake the images - the memory of their ordeal and it’s end results firmly rooted in Taako’s mind, blossoming from a mild guilt that he already feels to be unnecessary and into a full-blown, mind-numbing sorrow.

And he doesn’t know _why_.

It’s not like he’s heartless. Taako doesn’t go out of his way to get involved in other people’s business, in their lives. That’s for people like Merle and Magnus - do-gooding busybodies that they are. But it’s not like he doesn’t notice. He just tries his hardest _not_ to.

But of course when a stubborn, _infuriatingly_ good halfling woman sacrifices herself for the sake of her blind, supernaturally-possessed girlfriend and saves the world doing it - Taako has to respect that in at least some capacity, regardless of his own typically aloof nature.

Of course it affects him.

But this - this is just _excessiv_ e, he thinks. It’s not like he’s some sappy romantic or anything, ugh.

He’s brought out of his wine-induced languishing by the sound of a door closing and loud shuffling before the the hulking visage of Magnus appears in his peripheral vision, hands on his hips as he scans the collection of wine bottles surrounding Taako and spilling onto the floor, cocking a curious, scarred brow.

“Is it a holiday? What are we celebrating?”

Taako hums noncommittally, doing his damndest to both maintain the appearance of his laid-back, easy-going attitude and keep enough of his senses to respond coherently.

“Well, I - I’m the greatest wizard ever - or something, whatever. SO. I thought, ‘Well Fuck it!’ and figured I’d just-- take a day to treat myself - just’ me and ol’ Cabernet over here.” He holds up his half-drained bottle and wiggles it for emphasis and Magnus picks up one of the many empty ones surrounding him, squinting as he reads the label and letting out a low whistle.

“And his pals Merlot and Pinot Grigio too it looks like, shit dude.”

Taako snorts, untucking his legs from under himself on the sofa and stretching till he can feel a satisfying ‘pop’, leaning back against the couch to stare at Magnus languidly.

“Hell yeah, it ain’t a real party otherwise, my dude.”

Magnus huffs out a rough scoff at that, his eyes watching Taako intently as he stretches and splotchy patches of pink splash across his cheeks as he ducks his head, crossing his arms in front of his massive chest.

“Well, I feel like we should let Merle be the judge of that - doesn’t he have, like, a million party points or something???”

Taako rolls his eyes, swirling his bottle idly before bothering to drawl out a response.

“One thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine precisely, my dude and don’t, _don’t_ ask me how I remember that because I don’t even know that myself.” He lets out an exasperated sigh at Magnus’ amused smirk before continuing on, uninterrupted. “That doesn’t count though - Old man green-dick probably gave _himself_ those party points, so they mean exactly that in the grand scheme of things - dick.”

He turns his head slightly to look over his shoulder and scan around the room, his eyes landing on Magnus once again as he finds their surrounding room empty save for the two of them. “Where is the Ol’ fuddy-duddy anyway? Thought for sure he’d be coming back with you to make a nuisance of himself.”

Magnus lets out another almost laugh, sighing a bit as he scratches the mess he calls sideburns.

“Yeahhh, I thought so too, but Avi says he went planetside - had “business to sort” or some other cryptic bullshit, like hell if I know what.”

He huffs, practically flinging himself down onto the couch beside Taako, nearly sending the drowsy elf flying forward onto the floor with an indignant squawk - a fact he will deny emphatically until he dies, thank you - before he manages to clutch at the armrest and anchor himself.

“Fuck me running dude! Could you NOT catapult me off the moon, you fuck?”

He actually laughs this time, a full on booming chortle from somewhere deep in his belly and Taako pretends he doesn’t feel his glare softening just the slightest amount.

“Awwwww, but Taako, buddy - you’re the greatest magician out there. I knew you’d be fine. And if not, we could always get Merle to heal you.”

Taako slumps back down into his seat with a sigh, leaning his head back and closing his eyes against the light of the setting sun seeping through their Suite’s window and shaking his head sluggishly.

“Nuh-uh, nope. Listen, I would rather let you try to resuscitate me with a good ol’ fashioned slap to my pretty face, my prize money-maker, than risk letting that Doofus anywhere near my unconscious body, thank you very much.”

Magnus is laughing again, and Taako let’s a small satisfied smirk pull at his lips, letting the brief feeling of fondness settle over him for a moment - it’s not like Magnus can see it anyway, with his eyes squeezed shut in mirth.

“Trust me, I don’t need an excuse to slap you buddy - I can do that any ol’ time!”

He cracks open a single eye to glare at him.

“Don’t even try it, my dude.”

He can see the easy grin spreading across Magnus’ face and quickly closes both eyes to prevent himself from having to look at it for too long and feel that foreign sense of contentment that’s been popping up a little too often around him and Merle lately.

They stay like that for a few minutes, leaning against the back of the sofa as they enjoy the waning light of the sunset shining on the world below, basking in the comfortable silence settling between them. It’s Magnus who finally breaks it, with a deep, intake of breath, turning to look at Taako, his eyes scrutinizing.

“So...are you gonna tell me what all this is _really_ about? Or do I need to get Merle up here and 'Zone of Truth' you for me?”

Taako’s eyes flit open again, and he barely lets his eyes meet Magnus’ for only the briefest of moments before darting back to look down at the wine bottle in his hands again, a slight crease forming between his brows as he thinks.

There’s that weight again - and he hadn’t even really noticed until just now how noticeably it had apparently alleviated at Magnus arrival - settling back into his stomach where it seems to have made itself right at home.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, artificially enhancing his already innate inability to give a single fuck. Or perhaps it’s the odd feeling he’s been getting around Magnus lately - and Merle too, to an extent, though he’d rather eat dirt than admit it - an unusual sense of comfort, of safety. A familiarity and sense of home that doesn’t quite fit or make sense to him given the insufficient length of time they’ve known each other for.

Or maybe it’s the crippling loneliness that he’s currently stewing in. It’s always been there, always gnawing at him even through the illusion of confidence he projects to the world. And it’s gotten stronger recently, more pronounced - whenever he looks at Magnus, Merle, Hell even Angus….There’s an overwhelming sensation that he’s not really with them. That he’s still somehow alone - isolated - despite being surrounded by people on all sides. The strange sense that...there’s supposed to be more there - more of something meant to fill the strangely gaping void inside him that he doesn’t understand or know _where it came from_. It’s always there, but right now it’s overwhelming. He’s always swimming in it, but right now, he’s _drowning_ in it.

Whatever the reason, Taako doesn’t hesitate too long before he’s coming to a decision, his response careful and deliberate as he speaks.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, Mags.”

He can see Magnus’ eyes widen a bit at the use of the nickname - a term of endearment, something used almost as sparingly as his own sense of sincerity - out of the corner of his eye, his brow furrowed in open concern.

“I can’t - ” He licks his lips, mouth suddenly dry and he takes another sip of wine to stave off the now growing wave of pain rearing it’s ugly head inside of him once again, wetting his whistle. That’s better. “I can’t stop thinking about _them_.” And his voice nearly breaks, spitting out the word with an obvious sort of distaste and confusion. “The Raven...the ram. The belt. That _fucking_ tree.”

Taako takes a shuddering breath, staring intently at his lap, fingers tightening around the wine bottle. “I just - I can’t get the images out of my brain, no matter what I do, they’re always THERE. Following me around, rattling around in my head and I -” he grits his teeth, willing and willing for the pain to just stop, _just go away and please just stop talking, for fuck’s sake, but he can’t stop now, can’t stop any of it_. “- I don’t fucking know why.”

Magnus turns fully to face him now, scooting slightly closer to him - far enough away that they aren’t touching yet, but close enough that he could reach out and easily close that gap if he wanted. His eyes are boring into the side of Taako’s face, he can feel it even without looking at him and there’s an earnest edge to his voice that Taako is slowly becoming very familiar with - _has been familiar with, for such a long, long time now but he doesn’t quite understand how_.

“Taako. You - There’s nothing wrong with that, Taako. Me and Merle - we were _all_ affected by it. We’ve just been doing a better job hiding it, but we all saw something - something _heartbreaking_ Taako, of course we’re not going to just be able to forget about it. Hell, we _shouldn’t_ forget - Remember what Sloane said?”

Of course he did. How could he forget, when it was playing on endless loop in his brain every night?

 _‘ **Don’t let this happen again** ’_.

“She wanted us to remember - they both did. That’s why they did what they did. So no one else would be _stupid_ enough to make the same mistake.”

Taako wrenches his gaze away from his lap, fixing Magnus with the coolest glare he can muster - which normally would’ve been effective as hell given his self-proclaimed- and rightly earned- status of the best wizard in the world, but as it is, Magnus doesn’t bat an eye.

“Of fucking _course_ I know that Miss Bleeding-heart, but it shouldn’t be like _this -_ at least not for me.”

He sighs, looking away again, scratching the cushion beneath him anxiously, realizing he’ll only be able to say the next words if he’s resolutely not looking at Magnus and - _Gods, he’s really going to tell him isn’t he? He’s really going to lay himself out like this, despite all his instincts screaming at him about how stupid this is, but who cares - who gives a shit? Not him, he’s too drunk at this point to properly give his usual fuck._

“You - you and Merle….this is what you fucks _do_. You remember people, you care about them for some _unfathomable_ reason. You help them, try to solve their problems for them, even if you act like Chuckle-fuck jack-asses while doing it -”

“Taako,” Magnus edges just the slightest bit closer, frowning now as he gestures between them emphatically - _and fuck, Taako wishes he wouldn’t get so close, he doesn’t want him so close, can’t handle it_ . “ Taako, that’s what we _all_ do, the three of us. We’re the Reclaimers- that’s, that's our _job_. To help save people - and the world? I guess? - from the relics.”

Taako slumps forward, bent over as he brings his legs up onto the couch and lets out a pained groan of frustration, holding his face in one of his hands and running the other erratically through his usually flawless hair, wine bottle forgotten on the side table.

“No Magnus, that’s what _you_ do! Both of you! You help people, Taako just - Taako just does Taako’s job. I’m just - ” he turns to look imploringly at Magnus through his messy curtain of only partially-braided hair, eyes watering despite the hardness there and he tangles a hand into his shirt, gripping it desperately. “I’m just trying to do my job. Just trying to _keep_ my job and keep from being tossed out on the street and have to survive off of scraps and just - just trying to get by. I’m just trying to look out for Taako, my man. I can’t -”

He heaves another sigh, taking a deep breath to steady himself, clenching his fist as he readies himself to reveal one the deepest parts of himself, to someone _he shouldn’t trust this much, shouldn’t even care about but for some reason he does, fuck he cares so much._

“-I can’t afford to get invested like you bozos. I can’t afford to care, my dude. Taako has to look out for number one - it’s how I’ve survived this long as it is, because as soon as Taako starts doing things like ‘caring’ and shit goes south, who’s going to be hurt? Who’s going to be left for Taako to rely on when you boneheads are gone? No one, that’s who, and then Ol’ Taako - you know, me? - will be left all alone, high and dry, left to try and figure things out on his own and pick up the mess you and everyone else left behind so -”

He huffs, raising his head to look imperiously out the window, the sun having completely sunk beneath the distant, curved horizon of the planet far below them, playing with the end of his braid - the only part even remotely still intact - ignoring the surprised look he’s sure Magnus is giving him.

“So I’m sorry, but I don’t want to care more than I have to. I don’t _want_ to remember. I can’t do my job if I have to remember, so thanks, but Taako’s good. Out. Here.”

Sitting there, staring out the window, it’s easy to pretend he hasn’t just said those things - hasn’t just laid himself bare and exposed like that to probably the closest thing he’s had to a friend since - well ever, actually.

Magnus stays silent for few moments, just enough time for Taako to go from confidently assuring himself that hell yeah he’s quiet -he’s probably still reeling because fuck yeah Taako knows how to shut someone up with style - to worrying that he’s gone too far, revealed too much and he should really come up with an excuse or something and lie about needing to go to bed and leave Magnus to stew in his thoughts, before Magnus finally speaks, breaking Taako out of the downward spiral of his thoughts.

“Taako...that’s a load of shit.”

Taako turns to glare at him, and he’s annoyed to find the big man has somehow managed to creep even closer to him in such a short span of time without him knowing - holy shit, he didn’t think the dude could be sneaky, how’s he been hiding that - forcefully inserting himself into Taako’s personal bubble and frowning at him.

“I mean, yeah, you take a risk like that when you care about people but you take that risk because if you don’t you’re going to be all alone afterward. Me and Merle, we might joke around, talk like we don’t care but that’s only because that’s our way of coping with the fact that we care so much it’s - it’s overwhelming. We _have_ to care Taako, or else we wouldn’t be able to do this properly - we wouldn’t be able to get shit _done_.”

His expression is soft, voice soothing as he reaches out a giant hand - it’s almost bigger than Taako’s face Holy Fuck - and places it on Taako’s shoulder, making him flinch but otherwise Taako manages to prevent himself from outwardly reacting.

“Ya wanna know what I think?”

And Taako immediately rolls his eyes, his usual sarcasm rushing to the forefront to save him an honest response.

“No, definitely no -”

But Magnus is already pushing on before he can fully get the words out. “I think, you do care. I think you care a lot and I think it scares you, more than anything else. I think you’re scared of letting us know that you care because it will make things easier when we’re gone - when you’re alone. I think that’s why Hurley and Sloane - why thinking about them upsets you so much. You don’t wanna go through that.”

Taakko tries to lean back, attempting to pull away from his roommate - _close, so close, he’s too close, he’s got to get away, he’s gotta escape but he doesn’t want to, he wants to stay, he wants to be closer_ \- letting out a sarcastic noise.

“Oh, wow, yep, you nailed it. That’s exactly - that’s so spot on, it’s almost like I just told you all that, how did you -” But before he can keep going, he’s is suddenly cut off, muffled as he’s crushed against a big burly chest, thick arms encircling his shoulders and he’s being pulled into a tight, almost bone-crushing hug.

For a moment he doesn’t react, too shocked and numb to really process what’s happening - _so close, so close, he’s so fucking close and it’s so nice, why is it so nice, he feels so safe, gods this is ridiculous_ \- before finally his senses begin coming back to him, one by one, and panic seeps through him. When he speaks, he’s distantly horrified to find his voice is trembling.

“L-let go.”

Magnus nuzzles into his hair, his voice a bit muffled in Taako’s golden tresses and he tussles them as he shakes his head adamantly. “ I will in a sec, I promise Buddy, but listen. Before I do that, I need you to know something - you’re not alone, okay?”

Taako’s breathing is becoming more erratic now, he feels too warm, trapped - _safe, content, his brain supplies_ \- confused - _satisfied_ \- and he tries bringing up a thin, bony hand, pressing it weakly, uselessly, against Magnus’ ridiculous barrel chest, voice thick in his throat.

“Magnus, I’m serious. _Let. Go_.”

Magnus loosens his grip somewhat, pulling his head away from his hair just enough for Taako to be able to turn just so and see the serious look on his face if he strains his neck, but he doesn’t let go yet.

“I will, but Taako, I mean it - you’re not alone. And if Merle and I can help it, you’re never gonna be alone. We’re not gonna abandon you. You’re part of our team - you’re part of our _family_. You’re important, we’re not gonna leave you.”

Taako stops struggling for a moment, despite the rapid pounding of his heart and his increased breathing.

“You can’t promise that Big guy.” he says, in a quiet, defeated voice, so softly he’s not even sure Magnus can hear him.

But Magnus squeezes him one last time before he pulls away, leaving his hands on Taako’s shoulder, giving him enough space and room to back away and leave if he needs to - he doesn’t - and smiles at him, his eyes soft before breaking out into in a shit-eating grin.

“Well, maybe but, have you _met_ me? I can sure as hell try.”

At that, Taako feels a laugh, a real genuine laugh, free and unrestrained, bubble up out of him and he fixes Magnus with his own small, disbelieving smile.

“Should you really be making promises like that for our Cleric? I don’t think he’d appreciate being part of something so legally binding without getting a chance to wiffle out of it.”

The warmth that blooms in his chest at Magnus laugh is pleasant, but unsurprising at this point and Taako resolutely decides to ignore the urge to stuff it down - opting to simply let himself enjoy it, to just bask in this moment because fuck he’s drunk anyway and if that’s not an excuse to be more sentimental, than fuck if he knows what is.

“Look, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve gotten him involved in something against his will - he’s pretty used to it by now. It’s practically required.” He leans forward again, bringing a hand up to tilt Taako’s chin up to meet his eyes. “And in this instance, I really don’t think he’d mind. He’s a giant curmudgeon, but underneath all the wrinkly skin, Merle cares about you almost as much as I do, even if he’ll never actually _say_ it.”

Taako chuckles dryly, prepared to let loose some sort of scathing insult about their idiot dwarf, before he looks up to meet Magnus’ eyes, suddenly so warm and fond and the words falter, evaporating on his tongue as his friend’s words slowly sink in.

 ** _Almost as much as I do_**.

Abra-ca- _fuck_ him.

Sitting there, Magnus staring at him with that invigorating smile, fingers still under his chin, Taako is struck with a series of interconnected thoughts - memories that, up til this very moment he had thought were completely unrelated to each other.

He thinks about Phandalin - his first meeting with the boner squad, his eyes continuing to dart back to the large imposing figure of this boisterous human man because a) _damn_ and also, because he can’t seem to stop looking at him - something about him drawing him back no matter how often he finds himself trying to focus on other, more important issues.

Something about him is familiar, but Taako can’t put his finger on why. Everytime he thinks too hard about it, everytime he tries to go back in his memories to see if he’s there somewhere, his brain gets tired and fuzzy, a strange buzzing expanding until it’s filling his head, cutting off any further thoughts he might have and after enough attempts, eventually he stops trying altogether.

He thinks about the Trial of Initiation - about Magnus jumping through the glass to come to his aid and how his heart had swelled with foreign fondness and he’d had the distinct thought _‘Yeah, that’s just like the idiot’_ despite its absurdity and he’d pushed it to the back of his mind.

He thinks about waking up on his bunk in the dorm at the BoB for the first time - looking over to see Magnus, decked out in a **“I think dogs should be allowed to vote”** shirt, his hair and sideburns all mussed and tangled with sleep and the strange, nearly _all-consuming_ urge he’d had to fight back to run his fingers through it and smooth them out, chalking it up simply to his own continued struggle to look as impeccable as possible.

He thinks about arguing amicably with him and Merle in the Goldcliff bank, the frustration building inside him along with a ludicrous sense of _rightness_.

He thinks about booming laughs, bright grins, soft smiles. He thinks about a barrel chest, broad shoulders, numerous scars - how would they feel under his fingers and why did he feel like he already knew?? He thought about the worry whenever Magnus rushed in, foregoing any real planning or caution or sense of safety, how it would twist and writhe in him uncomfortably in a way he’d never felt for anyone other than himself in his life. He thought of the relief, real and palpable whenever he’d come out safe and - _relatively_ \- unscathed. He thinks of the longing in the pit of his stomach as he he looks at him.

And suddenly, with a force not unlike a kick to the balls, Taako _understands_. He understands now, at least partially, why he hasn’t been able to get Hurley and Sloane’s final moments out his mind. Why the memory of their faces keeps coming back around to haunt him, why he can’t stop thinking of Hurley’s fucking smile right before she’d leapt into the vines. Why he’s felt so inexplicably frustrated and envious when he thinks of them..

He understands - with a clarity so apparent it’s startling - and with the understanding comes a sudden crashing wave of simultaneous relief and dread.

What’s he supposed to _do_ about this?

What _can_ he do? Doesn’t he _know_ what he’s supposed to do? What he _should_ do? It’s obvious isn’t it? Taako isn’t brave, he isn’t selfless - he doesn’t dive headfirst into danger like Magnus. He doesn’t even really let himself be pulled along like Merle. He’s cautious - Taako is _careful_. And when he’s determined a situation is too dangerous, that there’s too much risk he gets out. Bolts. _He runs away_.

As he looks back up at Magnus, eyes wide with this new revelation, he sees the look of concern and confusion on the man’s face, so openly and _stupidly_ adorable, and - dammit, he knows what he should do.

And he hears Sloane’s voice again, as clear as anything he’s ever heard in his whole life, ringing in his ears.

**_‘Don’t let this happen again.’_ **

He knows what he _should_ do, but it’s not what he _wants_ to do. And at the end of the day, Taako does what Taako wants. And Taako knows, without a doubt in his mind, what he wants to do at this very moment. He can deal with the consequences later for once - _he’s drunk dammit, let him have this, please let him have this_ \- and so, for what Taako’s pretty sure is the first time in his life - _it’s not, but he doesn’t know that yet, couldn’t know_ \- he rushes in.

Abruptly and decisively, Taako surges up against Magnus, and in something like a mind-numbing trance, he presses a messy, wine-flavored kiss to his lips.

The reaction is almost immediate. The moment their lips meet, Taako can feel Magnus stiffen beneath him- just for a split second - before he’s relaxing, his shoulders slumping and he brings a massive hand up to cup the side of his face, his other arm wrapping firmly around Taako’s slim waist as he leans into the kiss.

It’s messier than Taako would’ve liked - and certainly more tender than he’s used to, but he shouldn’t be surprised by that at this point seeing as it’s Magnus and the guy does everything with his heart on his sleeve - but Taako can’t bring himself to care about either of those things right this minute, the alcohol thrumming through his veins making him heady and bold. So he simply leans bonelessly into the larger body wrapped around him, savoring the moment for everything it is - messy, tender, soft, hazy, _wonderful._

He moves his hands to rest on Magnus chest, dusting his fingers lightly over his pecks and then along his sides, grabbing and squeezing as much as his greedy hands can manage - he’s been wanting to do this for a while so of fucking course he’s gonna take it while he can - enjoying the soft grunts and sighs Magnus lets out in between kisses and he feels himself smirk against his lips.

After a few more moments of this he pulls back, forcing back a smug smile when Magnus tries to follow, chasing after his retreating lips with his own, but Taako presses his hand firmly onto his chest, pushing the man back somewhat.

“Now don’t go getting clingy my dude, it’s unbecoming. I’m just readjusting.”

Magnus let’s out a low whine, visibly pouting at him and Taako just barely manages to bite back an uncharacteristic snort at the sight.

“But I feel cold now. You’re bony ass is surprisingly warm.”

This time, he lets loose the smug smile he’s been with-holding and openly giggles.

“If you want it back anytime soon I’ll have to ask that you refrain from calling my ass ‘bony’ my man.”

Smile still in place he moves forward to sit fully in Magnus lap, his legs folded on either side of him and his smile only grows at the surprised look on Magnus face, his cheeks slowly going beet red and his eyebrows disappearing into his hairline before he’s pressing back in to get back to kissing him.

As the kiss deepens, their breathing becoming heavy and their movements earnest, Taako feels something warm and solid pressing into the inside of his thigh. He wiggles against it experimentally, some rough idea of what it is flitting through him and when he hears Magnus let out a breathy moan beneath him, he leans back to grin wickedly at him.

“Well damn dude.” His grin grows as he boldly rolls his hips, delicious friction and Magnus’ choked moans sending pleasurable tingles dancing up his spine. “If I’d known this is all it would take to get you riled up I would’ve done it way sooner.”

Magnus lets out another moan, more gruff this time as he moves both hands to roughly grip either side of Taako’s hips, his fingers digging into his sides and inadvertently making Taako gasp.

“Y-yeah well, I guess it’s been a w-while.” His grip on Taako abruptly tightens and as he looks up to meet his eyes, Taako’s stomach drops, realizing Magnus' eyes have gone dim, his lips a thin, taught line. “It’s been a really, really long time.”

At Magnus wistful tone, trepidation spreads through Taako’s chest like wildfire, making him pause and really take in Magnus face. He looks unsure and suddenly all Taako wants to do is reassure him. He’s not good at sappy things but - well he’s good at physical stuff. He can do that for him at least.

He forces a mischievous smile onto his face, despite the sudden feeling of foreboding settling in his chest.

“Well - ah. Don’t, don’t worry about that bubbeleh -” he grinds down again, harder this time and undulates in a manner he knows first hand to be irresistible, coaxing a choked gasp from the big guy. “ - just means we - we’ve, got mmhhm... plenty of reason to practice, don’t we?”

He can tell Magnus is enjoying this - the way he can feel him bucking up against him, the uncontrolled pants and moans he’s letting slip - but the look on his face - it’s contorted into something worrying. He looks pained, torn, his eyes raking along Taako’s body before darting away and then squeezing shut.

“T-Taako I - I don’t know if- ah!”

Taako’s becoming worried now, but he’s also starting to feel the haze of pleasure overcome his logical brain now and it’s making it hard to stop - it feels so, so _good_ and fuck, he’s wanted it for so long, longer than should even be possible - so he keeps grinding, keeps rolling his hips faster and faster against Magnus’ own uncontrolled stuttering.

“Ta-ah, _Taako_ -.”

He hears himself moan, his voice lewd and raw.

“Yes, _gods_ , Mags - ah.”

The pace is getting faster now, and he can distantly hear Magnus’ voice getting more and more ragged, their hips sliding together more and more sloppily as their rhythm becomes erratic, desperate.

“ _Taako._.”

“Mags please, _please_ , fuck. I _need_ -”

“Taako- it’s aah!”

“Nnn - ah, n-need you Mags, you’re - you feel good!”

A choked sobbing sound escapes Magnus between his pants and at the sound, Taako freezes.

“J-Jules..”

For a moment, Taako doesn’t move. His nerves feel like they’ve turned to ice water and that cold dread that he’s nearly forgotten about solidifies into a hard rock in his stomach. He can feel Magnus letting out panicked breaths beneath him, but can’t bring himself to look at him, can’t make himself do anything as he just sits there, paralyzed on top of him, his own arousal and lust quickly fading as the drunken, heady fog filling his mind begins to lift and he’s slowly filled with dawning horror.

Jules….who - who the _fuck_ is Jules?

Magnus - Magnus wasn’t….Oh gods, there’s someone else. Of course there is. Magnus hadn’t - He hadn’t said -

And then his eyes go wide as the memory comes flying back at him, much clearer now that the fog’s receded and he can inspect it properly, his mind no longer under the control of his goddamn dick.

**_‘It’s been a really, really long time’_ **

**_‘T-Taako I don’t know if -’_ **

Magnus abruptly sits up, panting as he pushes Taako off and away from him and Taako doesn’t protest, doesn’t even need to look at him before he’s all the way on the opposite side of the couch, his legs curled up against his chest as he hugs them, nails digging into the skin of his shins.

Holy Fuck. He just - he tries not to gag at the thoughts running through his mind at a mile a minute. Had he really just tried to _force_ himself onto someone?? Onto his _friend_? His- his _best_ friend?!?

The sudden wave of disgust and self-loathing is one of the most powerful he’s ever felt and suddenly he wants nothing more than to vomit.

But one look at his friend - slumped over his knees, head in his hands - halts that urge right in its tracks. He looks upset - Taako scoffs at himself, well obviously - but more than that he looks, he looks decimated. Ashamed. _Guilty_.

And suddenly, Taako’s rational brain is kicking into overdrive, pushing through his self-induced nausea and disgust he’s able to think more clearly than he has most of the night. The name ‘Jules’ bounces around in his brain, echoing louder and louder, insistently vying for his attention.

Taking a deep breath, he steadies himself for, gods it’s probably the fifth fucking time that evening and turns to face his dejected-looking friend - _more than friend, so so much more_ \- and wincing, he tries to catch his attention.

“Mango, my man.”

Magnus lets out a pained grunt, managing to glance over at him briefly between his fingers and Taako takes that as a relatively good sign and pushes on.

“Are...Are you….how are you holding up?”

It takes him a minute to respond, and Taako lets him have it - it’s the least he can do, being the scum-bucket he is - before he finally heaves a deep, bone-weary sigh, removing his hands from his face to run them through his mussed hair before he glances sheepishly at Taako.

“I - No, Taako, I’m not, but….it’s okay. It’s not - it’s not your fault.” He breathes out another sigh again before mumbling, so quiet it’s almost impossible to hear but Taako does anyway. “I just got carried away.”

Taako stiffens a bit at that - somehow the words feel more like a rejection than anything else that’s happened so far that night, and he pretends it doesn’t bother him, pretends the gaping hole inside him isn’t opening up once again, fresh and raw, and he scoffs, only somewhat mockingly. “Let’s not beat around the bush here Big guy, _I’m_ the one who got carried away. Guess too much wine can do that to a person.”

He shrugs, valiantly ignoring the sting of Magnus’ guilt-ridden expression being directed his way now and inspects one of his nails. “You could’ve told me **‘No** ’ though. It wouldn’t hurt or anything, I’m a big boy.” he pats his chest with a false bravado he definitely doesn’t feel. “I can handle it.”

Somehow, at his words Magnus manages to look even more upset and Taako can see a brief flash of sympathy tinge his features and - No, _no_. Absolutely _not_ , he’s not dealing with that today, he can’t handle that right now. He can deal with the rejection - _no he can’t_ \- but he can’t deal with pity on top of that. Nope. Not happening.

“Taako -”

But Taako’s already standing, rolling his shoulders as he straightens his back, ignoring the stabbing pains in his legs and stretches his muscles, mentally preparing to make an un-interrupted beeline for the safety of his room. “Listen, it’s fine. You don’t need to feel bad about anything. We’ve all had rough days. I appreciate you indulging me for a bit, but don’t worry about it - it won’t happen again, my man. Taako’s good now.”

He turns to leave, trying to ignore the growing panic on Magnus face, when he feels a large hand close around his wrist and he pauses, Magnus’ voice piercing briefly through the thick, heavy curtain of self-pity.

“Taako, wait. Y-you don’t have to stay, but at least-at least lemme…fuckin _shit_.”

He sighs again, and Taako turns just enough to see him running another hand through his already messy hair and the sight sends a pang through him he wants to pretend isn’t there, but it thaws his resolve a little and he doesn’t move.

“It’s not-it’s not you. There’s nothing, like wrong with you or anything…”

He snorts, rolling his eyes again.

“Well yeah, I coulda told you _that_ Fella.”

Magnus shoots him a look -and Taako has to fight the distant urge to smile despite the pain -but he rambles on, his eyes staring at his lap as he talks.

“What I meant is, it’s not that I don’t _want_ to. A part of me really, really wants to, God Taako I want to so _bad_ but…”

He trails off, biting his lip in a way that’s so hesitant, so uncertain, so NOT Magnus - it makes Taako’s stomach flip, he can barely stand it - but he swallows and manages to turn around to face him directly, arms crossed.

“But-?” he prompts.

He sighs again before bringing his eyes to meet Taako’s and that earnest expression is back.

“But I - I _can’t_ Taako. I just can’t. Because….because…”

“Jules.” Taako finishes for him, his voice flat.

Magnus groans and nods, his eyes full of that dim hurt again and his voice is raspy when he responds, clearly holding back tears.

“Yeah.”

Taako sighs, unable to bring himself to say anything to that, but also unable to force himself to leave Magnus to his sorrow with any amount of dignity. So he does the only logical solution he can come up with and sinks back down into the couch cushions, letting himself slump back against them, exhaustion making him limp.

As the silence drags on, Taako fidgets, the whole situation leaving him antsy and uncomfortable - _sad, broken, desolate_ \- and finally he can’t take it anymore.

“So...Jules?”

Magnus laughs softly, his eyes sliding over to fix Taako with another fond expression - _and god please don’t, please don’t look at him like that, he can’t handle it right now_ \- before moving back over to stare down at his left hand, fiddling with the gold band wrapped around his ring-finger.

_Oh._

The implication of the ring hits Taako all at once. He’s noticed that Magnus has had it seemingly since before they’d even started their little adventure together, so he’d figured it was important, but it had never really occurred to him just _how_ important it might be or in what capacity - Elves don’t necessarily exchange wedding rings. Some did - it wasn’t unheard of, but Elves - ones besides Taako - tend to value sweet words and song over pretty baubles and trinkets and even then, it’s not like a ton of elves got full-on _married_.

Elves live a long, _long_ time. Being married to someone for that long seems like a daunting and impossible task for many of them, so much so that a large portion never even bother. The few that did usually married other elves, or other species with long life-spans so they wouldn’t have to deal with the heartache of fleeting mortality.

Taako had forgotten humans exchanged rings - he’d never had any real reason to remember up till now. But thinking back on it now, it makes sense. Magnus never takes the damn thing off, and when he was worried he would fidget it with unconsciously. His behavior, it makes sense now. It makes sense and that knowledge doesn’t make Taako hurt any less.

He swallows, not sure how much he wants to know about this - how deeply he wants to dig himself into Magnus’ old wounds, but puts his best foot forward anyway.

“So, mind if I ask what happened to...to them?”

Magnus huffs out another long sigh - he’s been doing that a lot tonight -and leans back into the couch cushions, closing his eyes as he pinches his nose.

“She - it’s a long story. Maybe I’ll tell you someday, but...all you really need to know is...Julia -”

He grits his teeth, his lips pulled into a thin line and he drops his hand abruptly, eyes slitted halfway open and gazing forlornly at the ceiling.

“She’s gone now. Been gone several years.” His eyes prickle with barely withheld tears, his voice cracking slightly. “And she’s never coming back.”

Taako nods, humming thoughtfully as he tries to keep his screaming, agonizing thoughts at bay and manages to keep talking in spite of his own deep ache.

“If she’s ...if she really is gone...than….shouldn’t -” he stops, trying to find the right words, for once not wanting to come across as rude. “Couldn’t you - move forward? Find..y’know happiness? Or something?”

He bites his lip nervously, daring to hope, but as Magnus turns to look at him, he sees the hurt and guilt in his eyes and can feel his heart breaking again.

“I-It’s not that simple Taako. I can’t - I can’t do that to her. I loved - _love_ \- her so much and -” he takes a shuddering breath “ when I die, I’m finally going to be able to see her again, to be with her, and I don’t think I could do that if I found someone else. I don’t want to move forward, Taako. I’m sorry.”

Taako tries not to let the words hurt him, tries to pretend they aren’t carving huge chunks out of him - _why does it matter? Why does he care so much? He shouldn’t care this much_  -but he’s not sure how successful he is as he nods his head agreeably, stalwartly ignoring the moisture clouding his eyes.

“I see.”

Before he can react though, Magnus is leaning toward him again, his big beefy hand closing tightly over his own, clutching it with a desperation that’s honestly startling and he’s staring resolutely at him, His eyes never wavering, never straying from his as he speaks.

“Taako I can’t move on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. You’re so amazing Taako - I mean I know you know that but I don’t think you really _get_ it - but you really, really are and maybe, maybe if I’d met you first….years and years ago...maybe things would be different. But, I met Julia and I love her and I can’t change that or pretend I don’t but...that doesn’t mean you have to be alone Taako. Someday - someday you’re gonna meet someone.” Taako scoffs, rolling his eyes again in indignant irritation - he can’t believe he’s doing the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me routine’ on him- but Magnus is still clinging tightly to his hand and he keeps talking.

“No Taako, listen to me, Fuck, I’m serious. I’m being honest here. I know you’re going to find someone, someday. And when you do, you’re gonna be so, so happy because they’re gonna love and cherish you the way you fucking deserve because you’re Fucking _Taako_. From _Tv_. _The greatest wizard ever_. And you do deserve it Taako, you really, really do and trust me when I say that having someone love you like that, having someone adore you like that, it’s gonna make you so happy and you’ll forget all about this. Because you’ll have someone who deserves you.You’ll have something _real._ ”

Taako drifts to his room in a daze that night, nodding and humming along to Magnus’ insistence that ‘yes he’ll definitely find someone someday, of course, he’s fucking _Taako_ ’ before he manages to convince the man to finally let him go with soothing, feigned reassurance that he’ll be fine, he’ll get over it.

And as he stumbles blindly into his room, just barely managing to fall into his bed, into a crumpled mess as he lets loose the heaving, gasping sobs he’s been stifling ever since he first heard the word “Jules”, he feels more alone now than he’s ever felt - _and that hole is still there only it’s even bigger now, because he’s sure something filled it at some point something big and he can’t believe it took him so long to notice it was missing_ \- and he distantly reassures himself, insists that yes he’ll probably get over it, he’ll be fine. He’ll carry on, clean himself up, gather his broken bits and piece himself back together because that’s what Taako does dammit - he survives. And fuck, to prove it - to himself, to Magnus and everyone - that he’d be fine, that he doesn’t goddamn _need_ this - this _love_ shit, he’ll do better than that. He won’t just survive - he’ll fucking _thrive_ baby.

But right here, right now - alone in his room, with only himself and his thoughts for company - Taako lets himself drown in these feelings. Let’s himself ponder ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could have beens’. Buries himself in the imagined sensation of non-existent phantom kisses and hugs and touches flitting through his consciousness and he feels betrayed - so, so betrayed by how right it seems in his head, like it’s _supposed_ to be that way, like it _was_ that way. Like he’s remembering something from a dream or memory long passed and gone blurry but still there and not just wallowing in some fake, conjured up fantasy.

The pain twists in his chest like a knife and he lets it tear through him - let’s it rip him apart until he is numb and empty and there’s nothing left in him to ruin. He falls asleep, exhausted with a mind full of static and a pain - an ache - that he can’t make stop and when he wakes up tomorrow morning, he’ll get up, put on his wizards’ hat and big boy pants and pretend this night never happened.

Taako’s not good with feelings - it’s not that he doesn’t have them, because oh fuck does he have them. Nights like tonight proves that. But nights like this also remind him - he just isn’t good at handling them. And on nights like tonight, he doesn’t fucking want to be. On nights like tonight, he just wishes they’d up and _go fuck themselves._

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been getting preeetty into TAZ recently and boy oh boy, am I in deep you guys! One of the things I've been so hooked on is all the great relationship dynamics - there's just so much potential to explore the different dynamics of the whole cast, particularily the IPRE crew. I've decided to ahead and start with Taako & Magnus - and before anyone gets to upset with me, hear me out. I really, really adore Kravitz/Taako, I really, really do, I think it's adorable and refreshing. But I also like the idea of Magnus and Taako maybe having had something during the Stolen century Arc - maybe nothing quite as deep and profound as Barry and Lup, but something pretty special and important regardless. I was thinking how that might affect their current relationship - what with neither of them being able to remember each other and all, and how that might affect them....also, I've just really, really been wanting to write some TAZ angst and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to try so.....here ya go! I also put just a wee liiitle bit of smut in there - it's my first time writing it, I nearly couldn't finish doing it, I was blushing so hard - so I hope that was successful and didn't come off as hamfisted or anything.  
> I do think Taako may have come out just a liiitttle bit Ooc, but I figure he's also pretty drunk, so thought "fuck it" and just went with it.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed it!! If y'all enjoy it, I'm defnitely thinking of writing more, both as a casual continuation of this fic as well as additional ones featuring other member's of the cast and their relationships, so just lemme know if you wanna read more!
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
